(This post should originally be posted yesterday. Don’t bother asking why.)
Hi there,Tumblog! It’s been a while. Grabe.
I have been overtaken by a lot of events in the past months (or years) that I actually forgot updating you. Not until today that I felt like there is something in me that I need to blurt out.
Today, I made one of the biggest decisions in my life. Something that I tried to avoid for the longest time but finally confronted me today.
Sometimes, you have to let go of the things that you love not because you don’t love them anymore but because this thing is holding you back to experience the world that you have never been before.
It’s hard. Especially if it is something that you have learned to love after experiencing both the opposite sides of the world in a roller coaster ride.
But reality is always there to burst your bubble; reminding you that a dream will always be a dream until you wake up and work for it.
I’m not a fan of dreaming. I don’t or at least barely even cared about my future. I just live by the moment and enjoy what I have today.
Living a carefree life made me realize how blessed I am with a lot of things. It made me feel God’s hands working in my life. But made me realize that it is not enough and I have to do something.
At 22, luckily, I felt like I need to do something for my life. Do some things that I’ve never done before. Experience the things that I was scared of doing before. And live the life that I have today and work the life that I wanted to have in the future.
But step one requires letting go. And so it must be done.
For me it’s a matter of decision. And today, I decided.
So goodbye to all my fears and the frustrations I got over the years. Regrets and failures armed me with all the lessons, some learned the hard way I needed in life.
With some goodbyes, I welcome all the possibilities, opportunities, lessons and experiences ahead of me.
And I am confident that I will be that someone that I wanted to become in the future. It may sound a little too late, but nonetheless it is too soon to fix what needed to be fixed in preparation for that future.
So what can I say? Just bring it on!
This part made me cry a bucket of tears last night :(
“What if-what if you’re the blinding light, in the middle of the road that strikes me like uh, like the guy in the-…”
“In the bible?”
“Yeah! And what if everything’s changed like that? And lions lay down with lambs and colours are mixed with whites? What if you’re the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and I let you go?”
“You have no idea what I’d be giving up-“
“Dammit, what’s wrong with you? You want…revelations wrapped up in gold, and angels trumpeting down from heaven. But what if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you-right here, in the snow. I think that’s pretty miraculous. But if you don’t…I’ll go. And you can pretend this was just some coincidence-you can pretend that there wasn’t some reason that we met. That you’re sorry I ever walked into your life. God-I hate the snow.”
New Year in the Philippines
The view of the Metro Manila skyline from Monterey Hills in San Mateo, Rizal.
Sigh… I agree. ❤
Tonight is Acceptance Night. Ganun talaga ang buhay. May mga bagay na kailangan mong matutunan the hard way. Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na natutunan ko. I know God is preparing me to be someone better in the future. And i’ve learned my lessons. Yung ibang learnings secret na lang.
Sa mga kaibigang nagtiyaga at nagtiis sa ka-emohan at kadramahan ko for the past 2 months ata, salamat sa inyo. You’ve made everything easy. Sa pagiging tenga at minsan punching bag at sa hindi pag-iwan. You never failed to make me feel special and loved. You will all be cherished eternally.
Sayo, salamat. Yun lang. :)
God brought him into my life for a reason that is beyond my understanding. And God has the right to take him when his mission is due. In emptiness, I’d still, and forever will say “Amen”. :)
(Pwede nyong iplay muna ito bilang background music. For more lang :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwna0iiwiCE)
(The Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or madness.)
My friends knew me as a risk taker. Attack kung attack. Daredevil. Walang kinatatakutan (almost). Pero mayroong isang bagay na hindi ko yata kayang isugal.
Dumating ka sa buhay ko at a time that I least expected it to happen. At a time na napagod na ata ako kadarasal that I almost forgot what I’m actually praying for. And yet you came… in a hopeless place and a God forbidden time.
Everything’s still vivid. How awkward it was to meet you after bumping into you in you-know-where. It was. Really. But you broke the ice, and sketched a portrait of me as Jack did to Rose in the Movie Titanic.(cheesy)
And so it all began. Hanggang sa napadalas. We became friends. And since then, everything became strange. As odd as being under an enthralling spell—- or perhaps, a curse.
Sinubukan kong kumawala. Sinubukan kong pigilan. But love is much like a dam; if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current (Paolo Coehlo, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept).
At heto ako ngayon. Baliw na baliw na ata sayo.
Gusto kitang sisihin. For being too nice. For being too friendly. For being so thoughtful and sweet. Pero at the end of it, it all boils down to one thing—- kasalanan ko to eh. Binigyan ko ng kulay yung mga bagay na wala namang ibig sabihin. Ako ang tanga. Ako ang umasa.
God knows how much I tried to forget you. Kung gaano ko sinubukan na kalimutan ang lahat. I’ve already lost my count kung ilang beses ko nang sinubukang mag-move on. Let go. Move Forwatd. But I always end up coming back to you.
Ilang beses ko nang sinubukang tanungin ka. Kung ano ba ako sayo. Handa na akong sagutin ka ng “ok” kung sasabihin mong “wala”. Na-praktis ko na rin kung papaano kita mumurahin at kung paano kita sisisihin kung magagalit ka sakin na gusto kita. “Eh pucha! Pa fall ka kasi eh. Tapos magagalit-galit ka na nagkagusto ako sayo?” Pero ang ending… wala akong lakas ng loob.
Wala akong lakas ng loob na aminin sayo na gabi-gabi akong nadedepress kakaisip sayo. Na rinding-rindi na sa akin ang mga kaibigan ko sa kakaulit-ulit-ulit ko ng pangalan mo. Na minsan gumagawa na lang ako ng issue para mapuntahan kita sa office nyo. Na pinapaulit-ulit kong panoorin ang mga file footages ng mga interviews mo. Na nakikipagpatayan ako makakuha at makapa-bluetooth lang ng TOA (taped on-air) ng kanta mo sa Harana. Kung papaano ako naapektuhan nung sinabi mong antaba-taba ko na. Na ginutom ko ang sarili ko sa diet pero lumalamon ako everytime maalala kong halos dalawang buwan kang di nagtetext at di nagrereply. Na devastated ako nung ni-replyan mo ako ng “hu u”. Na miss na miss na kita ng sobra. Na gusto kita. Na mahal na ata kita. Na takot akong mawala ka. :(
If I have a choice, gusto kong tapusin ‘to na happy ending. Pero hindi naman ako ang author nito. Besides, this is real life. Hindi laging happy ang ending. Pero ok lang… sanay na ako.
Di ko alam kung hanggang kelan o hanggang saan. But I guess sa lahat ng risks, eto lang yung kaya kong gawin. Na daanin dito yung mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sayo. Para at least, there will be no regrets in the end.
Di ko alam. What holds me back is that after this I might lose you. And that is something that I’ll regret forever. Pero ano nga bang magagawa. Regrets about the journey, maybe, but not the destination (Nicholas Sparks, Dear John).
I keep on asking myself over and over if you’re worth of all these..
and it is the same answer that I always find—-
P.S. FYI lang to. :)
“Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing.” -Waiting for Forever