This part made me cry a bucket of tears last night :(
“What if-what if you’re the blinding light, in the middle of the road that strikes me like uh, like the guy in the-…”
“In the bible?”
“Yeah, him!”
“Paul?”
“Yeah! And what if everything’s changed like that? And lions lay down with lambs and colours are mixed with whites? What if you’re the one I’ve been waiting for my whole life, and I let you go?”
“You have no idea what I’d be giving up-“
“Dammit, what’s wrong with you? You want…revelations wrapped up in gold, and angels trumpeting down from heaven. But what if this is it instead? Me telling you I love you-right here, in the snow. I think that’s pretty miraculous. But if you don’t…I’ll go. And you can pretend this was just some coincidence-you can pretend that there wasn’t some reason that we met. That you’re sorry I ever walked into your life. God-I hate the snow.”
New Year in the Philippines
The view of the Metro Manila skyline from Monterey Hills in San Mateo, Rizal.
Photographed by: Paolo Nacpil (capturedphotos)
Tonight is Acceptance Night. Ganun talaga ang buhay. May mga bagay na kailangan mong matutunan the hard way. Salamat sa lahat ng bagay na natutunan ko. I know God is preparing me to be someone better in the future. And i’ve learned my lessons. Yung ibang learnings secret na lang.
Sa mga kaibigang nagtiyaga at nagtiis sa ka-emohan at kadramahan ko for the past 2 months ata, salamat sa inyo. You’ve made everything easy. Sa pagiging tenga at minsan punching bag at sa hindi pag-iwan. You never failed to make me feel special and loved. You will all be cherished eternally.
Sayo, salamat. Yun lang. :)
God brought him into my life for a reason that is beyond my understanding. And God has the right to take him when his mission is due. In emptiness, I’d still, and forever will say “Amen”. :)
Me, August 8, 2012, 11:57 pm
The Zahir
(Pwede nyong iplay muna ito bilang background music. For more lang :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nwna0iiwiCE)
(The Zahir, in Arabic, means visible, present, incapable of going unnoticed. It is someone or something which, once we have come into contact with them or it, gradually occupies our every thought, until we can think of nothing else. This can be considered either a state of holiness or madness.)
My friends knew me as a risk taker. Attack kung attack. Daredevil. Walang kinatatakutan (almost). Pero mayroong isang bagay na hindi ko yata kayang isugal.
Dumating ka sa buhay ko at a time that I least expected it to happen. At a time na napagod na ata ako kadarasal that I almost forgot what I’m actually praying for. And yet you came… in a hopeless place and a God forbidden time.
Everything’s still vivid. How awkward it was to meet you after bumping into you in you-know-where. It was. Really. But you broke the ice, and sketched a portrait of me as Jack did to Rose in the Movie Titanic.(cheesy)
And so it all began. Hanggang sa napadalas. We became friends. And since then, everything became strange. As odd as being under an enthralling spell—- or perhaps, a curse.
Sinubukan kong kumawala. Sinubukan kong pigilan. But love is much like a dam; if you allow a tiny crack to form through which only a trickle of water can pass, that trickle will quickly bring down the whole structure and soon no one will be able to control the force of the current (Paolo Coehlo, By the River Piedra I Sat Down and Wept).
At heto ako ngayon. Baliw na baliw na ata sayo.
Gusto kitang sisihin. For being too nice. For being too friendly. For being so thoughtful and sweet. Pero at the end of it, it all boils down to one thing—- kasalanan ko to eh. Binigyan ko ng kulay yung mga bagay na wala namang ibig sabihin. Ako ang tanga. Ako ang umasa.
God knows how much I tried to forget you. Kung gaano ko sinubukan na kalimutan ang lahat. I’ve already lost my count kung ilang beses ko nang sinubukang mag-move on. Let go. Move Forwatd. But I always end up coming back to you.
Ilang beses ko nang sinubukang tanungin ka. Kung ano ba ako sayo. Handa na akong sagutin ka ng “ok” kung sasabihin mong “wala”. Na-praktis ko na rin kung papaano kita mumurahin at kung paano kita sisisihin kung magagalit ka sakin na gusto kita. “Eh pucha! Pa fall ka kasi eh. Tapos magagalit-galit ka na nagkagusto ako sayo?” Pero ang ending… wala akong lakas ng loob.
Wala akong lakas ng loob na aminin sayo na gabi-gabi akong nadedepress kakaisip sayo. Na rinding-rindi na sa akin ang mga kaibigan ko sa kakaulit-ulit-ulit ko ng pangalan mo. Na minsan gumagawa na lang ako ng issue para mapuntahan kita sa office nyo. Na pinapaulit-ulit kong panoorin ang mga file footages ng mga interviews mo. Na nakikipagpatayan ako makakuha at makapa-bluetooth lang ng TOA (taped on-air) ng kanta mo sa Harana. Kung papaano ako naapektuhan nung sinabi mong antaba-taba ko na. Na ginutom ko ang sarili ko sa diet pero lumalamon ako everytime maalala kong halos dalawang buwan kang di nagtetext at di nagrereply. Na devastated ako nung ni-replyan mo ako ng “hu u”. Na miss na miss na kita ng sobra. Na gusto kita. Na mahal na ata kita. Na takot akong mawala ka. :(
Haaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyy…
If I have a choice, gusto kong tapusin ‘to na happy ending. Pero hindi naman ako ang author nito. Besides, this is real life. Hindi laging happy ang ending. Pero ok lang… sanay na ako.
Di ko alam kung hanggang kelan o hanggang saan. But I guess sa lahat ng risks, eto lang yung kaya kong gawin. Na daanin dito yung mga bagay na hindi ko alam kung paano sasabihin sayo. Para at least, there will be no regrets in the end.
Di ko alam. What holds me back is that after this I might lose you. And that is something that I’ll regret forever. Pero ano nga bang magagawa. Regrets about the journey, maybe, but not the destination (Nicholas Sparks, Dear John).
I keep on asking myself over and over if you’re worth of all these..
and it is the same answer that I always find—-
YES.
P.S. FYI lang to. :)
“Bad love letters beg for love back. Good love letters ask for nothing.” -Waiting for Forever
And that’s the thing about people who mean everything they say. They think everyone else does too.
Khaled Hosseini, The Kite Runner
The problem with me is that I get too attached to things (and people, for that matter) too easily. I guess it is my weakness. Well in my life, I only let few people to be in to my inner circle. That’s why I value those people a lot.
There are people who really come into your lives and make a mark. But truth is, people do really come and go and all good things have to end. It is a fact. And that is my greatest fear –Goodbyes.
In my line of work, I meet a lot of people every day. I get to know a lot interesting people. I always try to be professional to them as possible. When I get what I needed to them, we’re over. And it is very rare that I become friends with them.
And so came Balikatan 2012. One of the most memorable coverage I had experienced in my life as a journalist so far. It was really fun. After the hustle and the bustle of that event, I said to myself that no matter how fun it was and many good friends I made; it’s just like any ordinary event that will pass.
Until I met Leo, Brandon and Mike. They were US Marines who stayed after Balikatan at their own expense to voluntarily teach kids to play some sport and to sing and dance. Over some bottles of beer at a party at the 6th CRG, we’ve shared a lot of good stories about each other and life itself. I guess the saying “In vino nobis veritas” is true. When you’re drunk, you become vulnerable and just open yourself with no pretensions. You become true. And that’s a best time to let people become true friends.
I met Leo beforehand in one of the ENCAP sites we visited. Kids were waiting for him to come out of the portalet so they can play with him again. We saw how he was fond of playing with the kids. And so right then I knew that he is nice. And he really was. He is the youngest among the 3. And he’s the one closest to my age. I thought he was the serious quiet type. But I was wrong. He’s the most makulit. He’s talkative and very frisky. But he was always being bullied by Brandon and Mike and he felt being discriminated by the two because he’s brown (he is actually a Latino). But to me he is Captain Longbone (he named himself with that pirate name).
And I will never forget that picture of him skipping with kids over the hills of Kandis.
Brandon is also makulit. He was free spirited. And he talks a lot when he’s drunk. He has this weird but funny dance step. He wanted to have a pirate ship and someday pick up all his friends from around the world to live with him in his pirate ship. But only cool people can live with him there. I hope I’m cool enough to be in his pirate ship someday. I’ll never forget his speakers that can make eardrums explode.
Among them, I am closest to Mike. Maybe because he confided to me that he is afraid of ghosts and he is a sleep walker. He asked me a question that I never dared to ask myself – if I wanted to stay as a journalist forever. I said I don’t know and I just want to enjoy the moment. He said that he also learned that in his stay here in the Philippines. I will never forget that he lent me his earplugs and let me use his iphone without asking him. That made me realize that he’s really nice and made me appreciate him more like a brother. I will never also forget how he went head over heels with Donna. (Peace, Brother!)
Well, all of them were really nice. All I have are good words for them. Just the idea of staying here in Palawan at their own expense, instead of being with their families in the States and for voluntarily teaching and sharing their knowledge to kids makes them really one of a kind. I can only imagine how they’ve made a mark to the lives of these kids the way they did to mine. For me they were more than a friend but a brother, to the kids, they were heroes.
And they have accomplished their mission here in Palawan. They have to go.
Leo, don’t feel discriminated. You are special the way you are.
Brandon, I know you appreciate your friends really well. We appreciate you too. And I really look forward sailing the seas and get to know your other friends on board on that ship someday.
Mike, I know you wanted to become a lawyer or a scientist. And I know you’ll make a good one either of the two someday. Just follow your heart and you can never go wrong.
People do really come and go in our lives. And I thank God for the wonderful memories that we’ve had. It will be treasured forever.
To the three of you, I wanna say thank you for the good times and thanks for the wonderful friendship. This may sound too gay and cheesy, but I really appreciate you guys. I’ll miss your presence in every party that I’ll be at. You guys made our parties more fun.
Salamat, Kaibigan!
This is the hardest part. But there will never be goodbyes. Because there are no goodbyes in friendship – only see you again. Until our next party, Cheers!
Fun in Balsahan! :)
Cinco de Mayo 2012
Balsahan River, Bgy. Iwahig
Puerto Princesa, Palawan
